20 February 2007

bird

The weekend was good. I actually went to the stinky bar on Saturday night and it didn’t kill me! I saw so many people there and everyone was genuinely happy to see me. I also went over to beefy’s piano bar later that night and stayed there until around 3. There were a ton of people there and it was really fun. It was different than the weeknights because people were more into conversations and drinking and wandering around the house and on the weeknights everyone is really into singing along and requesting songs.

On Sunday I woke up slightly hung over. I am so not used to that. I am also not used to sleeping until noon. I felt like crap for wasting the whole morning. I didn’t go to the gym or anything. Both of my dancing nieces were in the same dance competition, so I went and checked them out that afternoon. We all went to dinner afterward and it was a good time. I spent the better part of the day with everyone there and it was a nice change.

I think I might go see my parents next weekend. Today is my mom’s birthday, so I have to call her and I thought I might drive up there on Saturday morning or something. I don’t know. It’s still kind of up in the air. I’m sure she would love it if I spent the night there since I haven’t stayed with them since Christmas. It would also be nice to hang out with my favorite sister and my niece.

In completely unrelated news, I think I need to cancel netflix. I’ve had the first disc of Season 1 of Battlestar Galactic@ and a documentary about Buk0wski for about six weeks now. Maybe longer, I don’t know. I just don’t have time to watch them. I think that means I need to return them and just stop paying the $20 a month or whatever it is.

I have other things I feel like I need to put in here, but I’m sort of putting it off. It’s almost like if I don’t talk about it at all it didn’t really happen, so I’m a little hesitant to type it out. Bird killed herself. The story is so awful it is almost unbearable how much pain she must have been in.

I’ve known Bird for about 7 years now just by being on the scene. We weren’t all that close anymore, but when I first moved back here I saw her a lot. She has problems (she’s a serious cutter and bipolar) and was seeing the same psychiatrist my brother is seeing. On Friday, Bird went to her session and told her psychiatrist she felt like killing herself and had obtained a gun. (How? How did she know where to buy a gun??) The psychiatrist found out it was downstairs in her car, so she urged Bird to go get it and leave the gun in her office. Bird went downstairs, got in her car and shot herself. She died immediately.

Why in the world would a psychiatrist send a suicidal patient down to her car alone to retrieve a gun??? I cannot fathom how she thought that was a good idea. Sure, I know I have the benefit of hindsight, but doesn’t that seem like a basic thing? I’m not a psychiatrist, but I wouldn’t have left Bird alone with a gun at that point.

Yesterday I left work at noon and didn’t do anything. I probably shouldn’t have left work, but I didn’t feel like being here and I’m actually really sad about Bird. I told the executive assistant what happened and told her I had to leave because I just wasn’t able to concentrate. I went to the gym for a couple of hours, went to the mall and couldn’t find anything to buy, then went home and walked Clancy for about an hour. It was nice outside so we walked to the park nearby and hung out.

I hate it when people turn someone else’s tragedy back on themselves and I don’t want to do that. And I don’t want to overreact about her death and over dramatize my reaction to it. I do feel really, really sad though. The selfish part of me has to wonder if that could have been me. I’ve tried before, and I’ve certainly seriously considered it at times. But Bird was not taking her meds and I’ve made a commitment to taking mine. And then there’s the issue of my brother seeing that woman. I think he needs to see a different psychiatrist, but he says he still likes her, so whatev.

Yuck. I don’t want to think about this anymore.